The Elephant In The Room

SATIRE

The biggest 2 reasons grey trunksters need to be euthanized

I always do what Amy says. Do you know her? Her threats aren’t calm bubbles breathed out between mountain pose and Namaste. They’re more frightening than what Russia’s currently aiming at Ukraine.

Back to Babar. I don’t really want to de-tusk and annihilate pachyderms. But I like my life. My values and ethics fall away when bowing to the All-Mighty Amy. I do what she says. Yes, yes, I kowtow to her. And so should you.

A few years ago at the Toronto Zoo, an elephant swirled in a circle and shoved its giant, fissured farthole towards my friend. Maybe twenty feet away. As we joked about asscracks, a giant stream of diarrhea blasted from its butt. What a cocksucker. I stared at my friend’s crap-splattered Tommy Hilfiger shirt and wished Tantor and all his pachyderm pals were dead. Die, cocksucker, die.

Amy’s correct — why should I trash talk about or to my neighbors and colleagues? Big, wrinkled creatures are better targets. All elephants need to bite the eternal dust. Besides coating humans in feces, here’s why.

Anything with a bigger cerebral cortex than us bipeds is an outright threat. Kill them. Enough said.

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