Where is my knight in shining armor?

I am not saying I am over him. I don’t think you get over such people. In some ways, the day I am fully over him will be when I am quite healed, when the younger parts of me have begun to trust me as their parent when I have a deeper understanding of both my core wounds and needs. And that day will come one day, but in all probability, it may not come as soon as we want it. So there may still remain some form of ache, resentment, and regret. And that is completely understandable.

There is no race to be won. There is no big thing to achieve. This was a decision, this was the next big thing, and when I am in it, I am going to make the most of my experience, instead of finding ways to run from it. The plan is to breathe into the mess, to understand what happened, what was interpreted, and how I should proceed going forward. The idea to date him and want him was a great escape from myself, it is easier to focus on somebody else when you are hurting. It is less exhausting (in some sense) to focus all your attention on another being. This leaves me feeling in charge of the situation. But in doing so, I remain disconnected from myself, from my needs, from my pain.

It took me many years to realize that something was amiss within, but now that I have done that, I don’t want to detour anymore. Because they are right when they say that life will continue to repeat patterns, behaviors, and events, until and unless we change course. It is imperative that I change my course now. But there is no rush in doing so. Because it isn’t easy changing course. It is lonely, exhausting, and scary when we begin to discover parts of ourselves. Parts that have been existing for years without our awareness, right under our noses, parts that have been trying to communicate with us their pain, challenges, and trauma, but we didn’t have the right tools and resources to understand that. But now that I have and because I have, I am not rushing anywhere. I am here for those parts of me. Because I have finally realized that there is no knight in shining armor coming to save me.

I am the knight in shining armor. And I am also the Cinderella.

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