How death makes me want to live?

I have long been suffering from childhood trauma. Residues from that trauma keep haunting me, and I know it will never let me go. Every day of my life, tragedy is always likely to knock in. Despite how hard I’ve tried to keep myself cheerful and energetic, somewhere inside me keeps yelling in panic, finding deep holes to hide so that no one can ever hurt me. But the “unexpected-though-expected” pain can find me anyway. Even the sound of a door opening can remind me of those people and terrify me to death. Being deadly panicked becomes a part of myself anytime I have to meet those people. I have to hurry myself to pick up then put on unrelated fragments of a strong, confident, “wisely-ignorant” individual. That is to protect myself and my beloved people from being hurt and judged. And that is not comfortable, not at all.

My true self is not a good person, I reckon. I am a social-anxious, attention-seeking kid with a tremendous Fear Of Missing Out. Being pushed into dead end on a daily basis has made me an incomplete person, the one who rejects its true self and cannot adapt the fake one. It is like when you try your best to put on unfitted clothes and it turns out that your body is likely to disappear inside the clothes or those clothes are torn out.

Back to the topic, do you now understand why for me death is so lively? Weren’t all of us born to die? The death is the real ending of anyone’s life, so even in dead end, I know it is not the end yet. I deeply know that when I die, I will not bring with me all the pains that I am putting up with. I know that when I die, I will forget everything, or maybe I will become a free ghost flying all around places that I love. At that point of life, neither happiness nor pain means anything to me. I will be completely serene.

The death makes me not scared of all evils inside and outside myself. Therefore, I can start looking for positive things existed somewhere in my life and then enjoy it as much as possible (before I die and forget about all of that). Death frees me from pain. That’s the reason.

*Fun story: Many people asked me what’s the motto of my life. They asked if there’s anything that motivated me to live fully and fearlessly like this. When I said it was death, people looked at me as if I am a negatively emo kiddo and some even thought I was joking. For them, death will never be a sound word, it is ugly and scary. That thought will stick with them until they know there are things uglier and scarier than death.

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